DUTY Thoughts, from George

Welcome to the DOODY issue. I’m just going to come out and say it. Yah. I’ve decided not to go outside for number two any more. I’m old and I’m tired. Outside is far and dirty and I just don’t see the point.

{Errrrm … George … this issue is DUTY, not DOODY. Please don’t talk about your bathroom habits.}

What? How did I not know this? I’m still the editor, am I correct?

{Sometimes you sleep through staff meetings, George.}

I’m feeling multiple layers of embarrassment here. Let’s talk about this off record later, shall we? I have an image of prestige to uphold. Please accept my apologies for the earlier bathroom talk; I feel I was misinformed.

Unfortunately, I don’t know a whole lot about DUTY. I’ve never been called up to do much in my life except clean up kitchen spills—which I’m more than happy to do, by the way, especially ice cream. I’m very able-bodied when it comes to licking the floor. Beyond that, up until now, I’ve just been a super-handsome half-man half-dog with no oppressive responsibilities—carefree and untethered. I could hop a plane to Minnesota right now if I wanted to. Ack, but that seems super far and cold—and now that Prince is gone (RIP Prince), what’s the point of going to Minnesota? So I just kinda chill and hang, you know?

It does sound appealing to be needed, though. Really needed, not fake needed, like when people tell you you’re the editor but really you’re just a poster boy. People don’t even take the time to make sure I understand the focus of the issue, for crumps sakes. To have a mission where I could really help someone—that sounds very fulfilling! I do have several questions about having a duty, though. One: What if, on a particular day I’d just rather sleep? Is that allowed? Two: What is the pay? I’m saving for a new laptop. Three: Is it okay that I don’t walk very well, hear very well, see very well, and I have accidents in the house quite often?

If someone could get back to me with those answers, we can get the paperwork started. I’ll start packing my manbag in the meantime. I so look forward to being appreciated.

auf Wiedersehen, (that’s German)

PS … if you end up wanting to read the DUTY issue (I can’t personally advise it in good conscious, as I haven’t even read it yet), you can find it online here. Physical copies will be available all over Jacksonville shortly. You can find out where here and maybe camp out, like a Black Friday sitch. Now … where is that toiletry bag …